| thinking about my security in God all day long. being secure in my thoughts and plans, holding peace deep in my heart alone. and holding fast to God's promises for me. trying my hardest to fully understand the meaning behind God's will, and God's plans. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i've been trying so hard lately to finish school and get my degree and work and be all in control that i don't feel it hasn't been in the right mind or in the right heart. i feel like i've lost my way in life somedays, it's not the best feeling to have... cause then i'll just wack myself out of control. what i need more of than ever is rest. and i think that when people think of rest it's sleep... but i don't think so. i think i've had enough of that lately. yeah, i can keep myself pretty busy with everyone i know and everything that's going on lately (pray for mr. marlin's family and especially brother Gregg. Mr. Howard Marlin passed away yesterday morning. there was a viewing tonight, we all brought pictures from his birthday and the easter egg hunt in his back yard. tomorrow's the funeral-- pray for Allyson, Jonathan, Autumn, Susan, Les, Gregg and his family and friends. it's really eough now) so some of my good friends will tell me i'll just need the sleep (sometimes i'll over sleep... i don't think it's good. i do enjoy it =) what i think of rest to be is: reading, painting, drawing, thinking with some good cup of hot tea, watching the sunrise, driving long distances to see good friends, enjoying the peace that we can have with life if we just learn to slow down, cooking and finding special recipes, playing with children, singing songs to old men in hospice, reading old books to old women in hospice, being gentle, holding hands to pray for the lost, the sick, and the world, taking long bike rides on a nice chilly afternoon. so rest in my idea is: peaceful living. but i haven't been fulfillling that. instead, i've been losing control because i have to get all these things done and study for my classes... man it's not easy and i don't think it's supposed to be! i was telling some friends of mine that it seems so much easier to me to fill my life with busy-ness, in order to not think of romance or to not worry about certain (good) circumstances being in my life at this time in my life. and it is. oh, boy it is. but i still think about it. i try to make myself busy to not think about it, but think about it anyway. seems silly... but my question, for myself, is how much has God been wanting to romance me, personally, in ways that i couldn't fathom now? what have i been not seeing only cause "i think" i'm doing what God's called me for now... it's been too long i've been holding onto this. do you know that song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Dive" ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2v-wZP6I3c reminds me of something i've been fighting through lately. i want to take a good dive into that Grace again. |
